Balls

You know what I love most about global health scares? Whilst everyone's busy stocking up on tinned food and shotgun shells/attempting unsophisticated topical comedy in the office [delete according to hardness], we can sneak through proposals that would otherwise get us hanged by our entrails from the nearest tree.

Hi! I'm schools secretary Ed Balls, and I'm here to tell you about my latest fucking idiot escapades in the crazy world of government.

A little while ago, we asked Sir Alisdair Macdonald to tell us how we might go about introducing compulsory personal, social and health education to the curriculum, with the big hot throbbing potato of sex education nestling in amongst the goodies. Naturally, this presented problems. Because, as much as we want to play the shiny progressives, we also have to pander to a large number of faith schools, this being a secular, 21st century democracy and everything. I think it might be because we want them to accept our kids next year.

How could we reconcile our desire to turn our children into healthy, happy people, with our craven political cowardice?

Fortunately, clever old Sir Alisdair found a way round that. To sweeten the pill, he suggested that we give these schools "the right to put [sex education] in the context of their particular institution." This means that, having fulfilled the requirement of acknowledging the existence of homosexuals and contraception, the lunatic fucknuts would then be free to curse them all into the ground, thereby turning out yet another generation of shit-for-brains bigots, spraying babies and sexually-transmitted infections all over the place.

I, of course, accepted his suggestions and will now seek to make them law. Enemies of humanity take heart - your children may yet be fucked up beyond repair.