Scowell

Q&A: Simon Cowell
"Death offers no escape"

Simon Cowell, 49, was born at the centre of a raging inferno. He left school at the age of 16 and then did a bunch of other shit before going on to forge a hugely successful career, crushing the dreams of trapped, desperate people. He lives alone and loves nothing.

When were you happiest?
I can't remember the last time I was happy. Or sad. I feel nothing. If, for example, I were to kick a puppy to death right here in front of you, you would no doubt be horrified. But for me, it would feel exactly the same as if I'd, say, stumbled upon the cure for HIV. I'd be completely numb in either case. There's something very wrong with my soul.

What is your earliest memory?
When I was about 5, in a cave not far from my home, watching my best friend Tom disappear silently into the murk of a shaft so deep I never heard him hit the bottom. It's the eyes that I remember most clearly. The pleading eyes, catching the light from the entrance as he spun round to face me - one final glimmer of vitality, then swallowed up by the gloom. Darkness forever. The people who come to my auditions, they have those same eyes. That's why I want to hurt them.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
This disgusting fleshy shell that I'm forced to inhabit. One day, the intangible part of me will break its shackles and merge with eternity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Weakness.

What is your most treasured possession?
If everyone and everything in the world was to crumble suddenly to dust, right before my eyes, it would be of no real consequence.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
I'd like to know again what it is to feel joy.

What is your favourite word?
Words cannot convey the blankness.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
My whims and desires are catered for night and day. Whatever I wish for, it happens, immediately and without repercussion - for me, at least. And it all leaves me so terribly, terribly cold.

What do you owe your parents?
I owe them nothing. I paid a very high price for my success. A very high price indeed.

What does love feel like?
It's been described to me. I must say I don't fully understand what it's for.

What was the best kiss of your life?
Kissing is something that men without immeasurable wealth and influence have to do.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
What reason have I to despise anyone? The actions of men are all utterly inconsequential.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
To that cave, when I was 5 - those eyes wouldn't haunt me like they do if I'd only closed my own.

When did you last cry, and why?
I don't believe I ever have. I'm told I was an unusually composed baby.

How often do you have sex?
Constantly. In fact, I'm having sex right now - cold, joyless sex. It's all just so much heaving meat. And yet I'm controlled by this implacable hunger - it dominates every ounce of my being. I just wish I knew what it was I hungered for.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My achievements are all equally meaningless to me.

What keeps you awake at night?
I'm never really awake.

How would you like to be remembered?
Death offers no escape. I'll still be here, in this world, long after all other life within it has been extinguished.

Tell us a joke.
Piers Morgan.

Reproduced with kind permission from The Guardian Weekend magazine