Shillcot

In anticipation of his appearance at the Chilcot inquiry in the new year, former Prime Minister Tony Blair has bravely chosen to drop his biggest bombshell now, in an interview with a lightweight, former daytime TV presenter; an interview which was broadcast this morning, when everyone was still in bed, news of which interview broke yesterday - Saturday - a day on which no-one pays attention.

We heard Blair talking afterwards, off the record, to Ms Britton. Here's what he said...

Yeah, alright, I didn't give a fuck. So what? What you gonna do about it? Yeah, I knew no-one wanted the war, and yeah, I knew there probably weren't any WMDs, or any legally justifiable reasons to invade Iraq. But you know what? Fuck it. I was Prime Minister, I was calling the shots.

What, you don't think that's democratic? Think that's despotic, do you? Well, boo-fucking-hoo. If you don't like it, get your own fucking country, love. Three times you fickle twats elected me to make these sorts of fucking decisions. So I made them. I sent the UK into Iraq because I wanted to. Hundreds of thousands of people are now dead, because I felt like making them dead. Do you know what it's like to live with that kind of knowledge? Makes me fucking hard, love. You ever seen a powerful man weeping, naked and erect? Play your cards right, maybe you will later. It'll change you.

I wanted him out. Saddam. I wanted Saddam out. And I didn't give a fuck about what happened to Iraq afterwards. Why would I give a fuck about a load of foreigners? I didn't do it for them. I did it for me. I wanted him out. I wanted to go down in history as the Prime Minister who got rid of Saddam. I wanted the fucking hat-trick, love. I fucking sorted out Northern Ireland, fucking done a crack at Yugoslavia, now I wanted Iraq. So fucking historians will look at me, way off in the future, they'll look at me and they'll go: "that was Blair, the man who brought peace to the world." Give it about a thousand, I reckon they'll be saying I was the Second Coming or something. I know how these things work. No-one wanted anything to do with fucking Jesus when he was around, did they? Have you ever felt the light of our Lord Jesus Christ inside you, love? Would you like to?

They hate me too. Doesn't matter... I hate them... unambitious little piggy fuckers, snuffling around in their own filth. What've they done with their lives, eh? Have you ever changed the face of the world, love? Have you ever had that power? Have you ever had the face of the world in one hand and just... pounded it with the other BAM! BAM! BAM! till bits of it have fallen off or turned to mush? Have you ever felt that power, love? Coursing through your veins? Making your muscles throb? Straining against the fabric of your pants?

I'm like some fucking Nietzschean Superman, love. Beyond good and evil. I do things for my own reasons... because I can... start wars because I can... because great men are made on fucking conflict, love... great men... great, strong men... big muscles...

(Short silence)

I like to kill things, you know... small animals... birds... the world goes silent then... the chattering stops... head feels light... see stars... feel like I'm not here... feel free...

(Longer silence, sobbing)

TONY FUCKING BLAIR!!!