And They Smell Funny

Immigration! It's the burning issue that everyone says no-one is talking about. The country is on the brink of having some foreign people in it, and the natives are understandably afraid.

In this special investigation, we cut right through to the beating heart of that fear, rip it out and hold it high triumphantly, roaring with primal ferocity, before eating it - rivers of blood running down our chiseled, bristly chin - then turn feral, charge unseen through the countryside, more ghost than blog, instantly turning into flappy, dry scraps of meat any living thing unfortunate enough to get in our way, sending supersonic waves of panic sweeping through the nation. Those immigrants don't seem so bad now, eh?

We talk to the people. Hush!

Granny Northernchops, 72
Bigot
I'm worried about immigration, yes. Just the other day, I heard this lad on the bus talking in foreign, well, he could've been saying anything, couldn't he? For all I knew he was being rude about me, or planning to do a terrorism or take drugs. When I were growing up, there were this foreign living in the next street - I think he was a ginger - and we used to throw rocks at his window and kill his pets. Course, nowadays you do something like that, you get called racist, don't you? It's all this political correctness. My Walter didn't fight the Nazis so foreigns could live and work in peace, without fear.

David Cameron, 43
Perfidious blancmange of privilege
You, the people of Britain, have been saying that we, the three main party leaders, have been ducking the issue on immigration. And I absolutely agree. You're right. We are ducking the issue, you're right to say it, and I thank you for saying it, but I also hate you for saying it. Because I didn't want anyone to know the truth. Like a softer, pinker, squidgier Nick Griffin, I've spent the last five years rebranding the Conservative Party, painting it a pretty new colour, sweeping our less cuddly policies under the carpet, hiding the old guard in the cellar until it was safe for them to come out. We're not the nasty party you thought we were. Look at us: we're nice. We simply stand for safe, warm, traditional values: family; Laura Ashley curtains; a delicious slice of Battenberg melting by the fire. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Quite frankly, the longer I could get away with not discussing things like immigration, the better. But here I am, forced to show my hand, compelled to rip open my chest, break apart this vaguely humanoid facade and reveal the slimy far-right tentacles within. And why not? Because that's where this battle's being fought now. So fuck it. Time to suck up to the core supporters.

You might say that my policies - some vague talk about caps - don't go far enough. I agree. They don't. I was trying not to scare off the liberals. But rest assured, I intend to drive all but the highest levels of our economy so far into the ground, make life in Britain so intolerable that no-one in their right mind would come here. With my childish attitude towards Europe and my insistence on playing with the naughty boys, I plan to make us global pariahs. I shall alienate us so completely from the rest of the international community that our borders will simply fall into disuse. Britain will be a tiny dollop of shit floating in a cold sea of hatred. Obama, Merkel, Sarkozy, the most powerful people in the Western world... They think I'm a twat. And if, this week, you choose me to lead this country, they'll think you're all twats too.

Barry St. George, 37
Twat
I live in a tiny market town with a minority population of coloureds. I never thought much about it until I read in the Sun about immigrants. Then I realised, hang on, some of these people have jobs. And I know a few of them are on benefits too. Those jobs and benefits could be going to white people. Now we're all terrified for our lives. They dress differently and eat foreign muck. It's not right. The government should be standing up for indigenous Britons, even though homo sapiens isn't, by definition, indigenous to the British Isles and our ancestors came from all over Europe and, ultimately, Africa.

Nick Clegg, 43
Anointed
We had hoped we could appease you with the odd concession to your thinly veiled racism in our campaign material, nonsense about "years of incompetence, and failure to plan for the effects of unprecedented immigration," being tactful enough to keep quiet about the unprecedented emigration, which is climbing at a far higher rate, bringing net migration down with every passing year. Still, you pricks keep letting yourselves get whipped up by rightwingers with an interest in keeping you scared, don't you? So we all have to play naked, leather-bound fucking Hitlers, smearing jelly on our nipples whilst you sit in a circle, wanking and braying. Jesus...

Mark Youngconservative, 20
Confused liberal
At least a quarter of my friends are 2nd- or 3rd-generation immigrants. But I keep hearing that immigration is a bad thing, so I've decided I agree. It's alright, though - my friends do too. Apparently we're sick of people coming to this country and not working, taking our jobs that no-one wanted, stealing our women, refusing to integrate, diluting our national identity and enriching our culture.

That's why I'll be voting Conservative in this election. I haven't heard David Cameron say anything yet that jars with my shapeless, loosely liberal sensibilities, because I haven't been paying attention, and after Brown called that bigot a bigot I see no other option. No other option at all. Cameron's going to win, so there's no point in voting for anyone else. I'll be damned if I let a man with anything like his own personal ideology into Number 10. Much better a hollow populist so slick and shiny that his blank face dumbly reflects the base desires and prejudices of the majority, no matter how backward or wrong.

Gordon Brown, 59
Man disintegrating
Yes, I called that bigot a bigot. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, my personal beliefs are utterly irrelevant. I am a salesman. Whilst in private I might voice my own opinions, in public I say what I believe is expected of me. I may not say it in the manner of someone you would invite out for a drink, which is, apparently, what you all want from your fucking politicians...

I'm sorry. I'll continue. What I say in the privacy of my car with my lapel mic on doesn't matter. What does matter is that this Labour government has attacked the perceived problem of immigration with an Orwellian zeal, aggressively pursuing and deporting even genuine asylum seekers on pure technicalities (not filling in forms on time, etc), condemning them to short lives filled with terror in dangerous, war-torn countries. Often countries that we made dangerous and war-torn in the first place. Make no mistake: Labour is the party that hates foreigners even more than you do.

Nick Griffin, 51
Walking Nazi foreskin
Contrary to popular opinion, I actually rather like immigrants. They've made racism respectable again.