Lairy

Thought For The Day
with Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary

Some stupid cow I used to know - might've been my mum - once said to me: "Michael, don't you care about anyone but yourself?"

I said, "what would I do that for, for fuck's sake? Does anyone else care about me?"

She said, "I care about you, Michael!"

So I said, "well, that's your fucking stupidity, Mum/girlfriend/fuck-knows faceless parasite woman. Don't make me suffer for it. Even if I wasn't a fucking unlovable cartoon monster..."

Oh, hang on, look at this silly cunt being run over. Hahaha! That's the funniest fucking thing I've seen since that earthquake! Look, his girlfriend's moaning now... What's that, love? Call 999? Well, are you going to cover my expenses? My expenses, are you going to cover my expenses? Yeah, I know the call's free, but the fucking electricity isn't, is it? If I make that call, I'll be using up my fucking battery. Now are you going to reimburse me for the electricity? I didn't get to be fucking minted by paying for other people's fucking phone calls, now, did I? Well, now you're just being unreasonable. Look, there's no need now anyway, he's fucking dead.

Stupid fucking bitch, waste my time and money? Now, where was I? Ah yes, so I said, "I care about fucking me, love. I could afford to have my turds gold-plated before I flush them down the bog if I wanted. But I wouldn't, because I'm a rigid-fingered fucking miser. Either way, I didn't fucking get here by caring about people besides me."

So she says, "well, I'll be dead and buried one day, before you know it. Then you'll be sorry."

I said, "what, sorry I didn't have you fucking chopped up and canned and sold for cat food before they put you in the box? It's alright, love, I'll come and wank on your fucking grave, that'll cheer me up."

Eh, see this dog? I reckon it'd look better with its fucking eyes hanging out of their sockets, what d'you reckon? Hang on a sec.

That was a good laugh. Here! Woman! Was that your fucking dog down there? Yeah, I stomped it to death. Well, don't have a go at me, love, I'm just being fucking honest with you! Oh, for fuck's sake, look, here's six quid. Go and get yourself a fucking goldfish or something.

Jesus. Want something for nothing, these twats. Anyway, so I don't give a fuck about anyone else. What, you got stranded on fucking holiday and I won't pay your expenses? Fucking shouldn't have gone with Ryanair, then, should you? Fucking sue me. Oh, hang on, my phone's ringing. It's my lawyer.

Alright, Graham, how's it going? What's that? They've got a case? Fuck's sake.

I retract everything I've done and said in the last five minutes. Here, love, have your dog back. It's a bit stiff, but I managed to stuff its eyes back in. Don't mention it. I only did it because I had to. I'm still a massive prick.

Can I have that six quid back?