Godse

Schism!

You heard right. The Church of England is once again tearing itself apart over homosexuals and women. All in the space of a single week, gay (but - fear not! - celibate) cleric Jeffrey John's nomination for the bishopric of Southwark was leaked to the press, prompting a powerful lobby of conservatives to block his candidacy (having previously thwarted a similar promotion in 2003), whilst the thorny issue of female bishops had Church leaders sitting awkwardly with cushions in their laps at this weekend's General Synod.

We approached two prominent holy men from opposite ends of the divide, stripped them down, oiled them up, locked them in a cage and demanded they fight to the death. Unfortunately, they just talked instead, so we shot them. Not before we wrote down what they had to say, however.

Dr Rowan Williams
Archbishop of Canterbury
What do I think? Who knows? I appear to be an educated, progressive sort, saying things like, "no Anglican has any business reinforcing prejudice against LGBT people, questioning their human dignity and civil liberties or their place within the body of Christ," but then I do keep pandering to these spluttering conservatives, don't I? You know what I claim to stand for, but you don't have the faintest idea whether or not I actually do. Which is just how I like it. I have the respect of the liberal secularists, with none of the risks that that would usually entail. And as long as I'm Archbishop, no-one will ever know whose side I'm really on. Moral courage is all very well for the likes of Our Lord Jesus Christ, but then he didn't have anything to lose.

Dr Tom Wright
Bishop Of Durham
Many have said that the Church has no place in 21st century Britain. My fellow weaselly conservative bigots and I agree wholeheartedly. Which is why we are doing everything in our power to drag it back into the 19th century. Dr John's supposed celibacy really means very little as long as he insists on being open about his sexuality. If he'd only had the decency to remain, as they say, 'in the closet', then quite frankly, he could be buggering dead boys with a crucifix for all we care, and doing it with a mitre on his head. Openness or cock, that's the choice that every gay cleric must make as he enters the Church, and Dr John chose openness. He made his bed, and now he must lie in it, alone and frustrated. As for women, we can just about accept them as a half-hearted concession to modernity in order to confuse the liberals, but they have absolutely no place in the higher echelons of the Church. A woman is a tool, a thing for bishops to feign happy marriages with when they're not sneaking off for midnight walks in parks and public conveniences. She is unworthy of our respect. She cannot be trusted. She is dirty, the Fall of Man, the original sinner. I hate her. Why was she never there? Too busy fucking Uncle Archie to breastfeed, I suppose.