Letter From America

Dear Prime Minister

Jesus, can you goddam British not just keep a lid on your fucking state secrets for a few decades? Listen, we know you guys have recently seized power and you want to make a new start, wipe the slate clean, sure, we understand that. But, y'know, hello? Like, Geneva Convention?

Seriously, we're furious at you guys. What the fuck are you thinking? What, so justice for a few limey terrorists who've been hung by their wrists from leather straps for a few hours each day is worth sacrificing the integrity of the United States of America? We've got a reputation to uphold. We're the leaders of the free world. We have values. What's everyone going to think when they see evidence that less conscientious regimes have been pulling out people's fingernails on our behalf? We can't use torture ourselves. We can't outsource torture without fear of exposure. How are we supposed to get information from these assholes? The legal way? Please!

Alright, so you're new to this. We'll give you the benefit of the doubt, assume you don't know how these things work. Allow us to explain.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Dick Cheney had punched a hooker to death. I mean, he didn't, but let's imagine for one moment that he did. Now, if that got out, it would cause a huge amount of embarrassment to the US, both its government and its people. Therefore, it would be better for all concerned if we were to deal with something like that internally, no? Which is well within our capability. We're the government, right? We're authority.

Now you might say, but Dick Cheney still walks among us as a free man. How can that be if he punched a hooker to death (which did not happen)? So we would say, OK, which is more important? Is it justice? Or is it, in fact, more important that the former Vice President of the United States isn't seen by the rest of the world to have punched a hooker to death (which, I cannot stress enough, he absolutely did not)? Therefore, we must do everything in our power to maintain the appearance of Dick Cheney not having punched a hooker to death (this really did not ever occur - please do not say that it did). And the best way to do that is to not prosecute Dick Cheney, even in secret. Otherwise, he's going to jail and everyone's going to start saying, "hey, tell you who I haven't seen for a while - Dick Cheney. What's up with that?"

Try to look at this with a rational, coldly indifferent, perhaps even sociopathic eye. Forget about things like ethics and morality for a second. Try not to let emotion cloud your judgment. Forget all the humanity bullshit and the whole... y'know... not wanting people to be tortured thing. No-one wants people to be tortured. You don't want cows to die horribly in concrete temples of death, do you? But from time to time - hey! - you want a burger. Well - hey! - we wanted evidence. And in the same way that you don't want to see your burger being stunned, skinned and hung from a metal hook, we don't want to see the source of our evidence having its genitals slashed at with a razorblade. Turning a blind eye while someone else does it is the only civilized way.

We hope now you understand our position. Please be more careful in future.

Yours sincerely,

Barack Obama



Dear President

We are very sorry about the recent failings in our legal system. The situation has, unfortunately, been ongoing since the dying days of the previous government (who, to their credit, did everything they could to obstruct the legal process), and is by now well beyond our control.

Nevertheless, we would like to assure you that the inquiry we announced the other day will be weak, powerless and flappy like a landed fish. Expect whitewash, or - worst case scenario - a few words of medium strength, years from now, when only Guardian readers will still be paying attention. Furthermore, our current interrogation guidelines are so full of holes that any idiot can get round them, which should buy us a few more months before we have to go, "oops! typo!" and rewrite them properly. So anyone you want doing in the meantime, send them through us.

Yours sincerely,

David Cameron